Reclaiming ME . . .

I bought a book yesterday! Actually I bought TWO!! Murder mystery novels - my favourite kinds. Big hairy deal, you may be saying. Well, actually, for me it is. Here's why . . .

I haven't read a book for fun in so long I actually can't remember the last time. That bothers me a LOT. Reading has been an integral part of my life all my life. For me .. it was the greatest escape. When I was lost in a book, a megaton bomb could go off beside me and I probably wouldn't hear it.

I was never seen without a book. Some 30 years later, I still have childhood friends who comment that one of the enduring memories they have of me is that I was always reading. Luckily for me, I had a Mom who was also known for loving to read. So, she encouraged us as kids to read and fed this addiction by always getting us more books. One of her favourite stories is one where we had walked to town (we lived in "the country") and she bought us our latest issues of Nancy Drew (me) and Hardy Boys (my brother). On our walk back we read our books - finishing them before we reached back home.

So what happened that caused my absolute love of reading to falter? I was discussing this with a friend who gave me my "A-ha" moment. She mentioned that she stopped reading for fun after her daughter was born. That was it! And I know why too. A lot of pregnancy books tell you that after having a baby you will find yourself to be VERY fatigued. Babies are very demanding they say and they are right. Your time is not your own. Your attention span becomes very limited as you're always on for the baby. I remember growing to love CNN's Headline News as I got news in little nuggets - all I could manage at a time. Losing myself in a book became a casualty of my being a new mom.

But it became the first of many things I sacrificed as I tackled the triple threat of being a good wife, mom and career woman. Little by little, I lost ME. I no longer did what I wanted - I did what was good for my husband, my kids, my job. Although they didn't demand this of me, I felt that the ME was expendable, and besides - wasn't this my role now?

This past year, perhaps triggered by my milestone birthday, I decided, "Enough!". I started searching for ME - little by little reclaiming the things that used to make me happy. So I started going to movies by myself like I used to before I met my husband. I bought new make-up, I started getting my nails done. I even signed up for a short writing course (writing was another childhood love). All the things that preceded being a wife and mom. And I realized that I wasn't abandoning my family or even my career. I was enriching them by reclaiming ME.


So - like I used to do, I'm curling up in bed, happily immersed in a book and feeling more peaceful. Yay ME!

... and they call it mid-life crisis.

When I imagined myself at the age that I am now, I had a very clear picture of what I would be like.  I'd be free from the corporate life, having my own successful business that allowed my uniform to be jeans and a polo shirt. I'd be tooling around town in my red Jeep Wrangler, picking my kids up at prep school (I always knew I'd have kids later rather than sooner). I'd have the top of my Jeep down and hop out, wearing my signature cowboy boots, tossing my locs over my shoulder. Yeah.. That's the ticket!


So how does my mental picture stack up, now that I'm at that age? Well ....

Locs - check
Cowboy boots - check
Young kids - check
Red Jeep Wrangler - we-e-e-l-l-l does a scale model count?


As for the rest, why depress myself even further? So, what happened? I chose the safe road. Buried myself in trying to climb the corporate ladder, becoming a wife and mother. Silencing the rebel in me and bringing forth the my sane and sensible person . In a word, I grew BORING!

Psychologists have a phrase for where I am now - mid-life crisis. According to Wikipedia, a mid-life crisis is ". . . a period of dramatic self-doubt that is felt by some individuals in the "middle years" or middle age of life, as a result of sensing the passing of their own youth and the imminence of their old age". Yup .. in that case, I'm a classic example. Perhaps it was the realization that my second child would be entering college at about the time that I'd be slated to retire that triggered it for me. Whatever it is, life is too short to remain in stasis.

So that mental picture may not be quite what I'd imagined but it's not over yet. I have two lovely boys (7 & 4), a husband I consider my soulmate, a fairly decent job on in a field that I love. And one that I'm working with my friends on converting to our own  business. It ain't all bad .. but I intend for it to get better.

I remember Donny Osmond singing back in the day "And they call it Puppy Love...". I need a song for this period of my life. Perhaps Donny can help - after all, he seems to have gone thru that himself (how else do explain that  "White and Nerdy" music video?).

As for me .. I'm coming out swinging. My intention is to use this blog to document my steps towards achieving the vision I had for myself.  Stasis means death. Me - I intend to be Kicking it!